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Saturday 31 March 2012

Saturday Again

I guess I'd better update.  It's been harder to find the time to blog lately -- mainly due to hub working a lot, which means any slack I have at home disappears and when I get to have any time to myself what I really want to do is collapse in front of the telly.

I just looked back at last Saturday's post.  Talk about melodrama!

Still I do recall feeling really low, with really not too much reason.  Question is can you just decide to be really grateful for what you have and feel happy?  I guess you can decide not to gripe about it!

Last weekend turned out to be fun after all.  We repeated the long cycle ride into town with our little one and had a lovely mooch.

This week has been busy for all, characterised for me by two really great yoga sessions and then a few days of gnawing, nagging, sometimes cutting period pains.  Ouch!  My age I guess.  I'm at the stage where I've started to skip the odd period at the usual time, only to find it arrive with a vengeance a month late.  Still I guess I should be looking forward to the next stage in the cycle of life....maybe, perhaps...

Rambling now, nothing to say,  so I'll sign off to another day.

Note to self:  I had a thought about writing some stories that need telling here, in the absence of anything real I need or want to share about my present day.   Might start to get a few down in the next few weeks.

Saturday 24 March 2012

Black Sat

Today I've woken up in the foulest of foul moods.  Don't ask me why.  I'm not sure.  There are various reasons I could offer myself. Hormones are quite likely given my age and the fact that I'm on day 55 of my current cycle. Also the fact that my bloke phoned last night to say he had to work late and I was really peed off with this on a Friday night, having bought nice dinner etc. Got up today at 5.45 to the housework and the same old same old.  Can't even be bothered to go to yoga . Just want to cry really.

I hesitate to type this as I feel dark moods are so much more personal than the usual lalala isn't everything just great Pollyannaish crap that I generally come out with.  Also because I am aware how selfish I am being.  I don't want for anything material.  I am lucky, lucky, lucky compared with so many.

But happiness does not itself spring from lack of want. I know I'm yearing for true meaning and real communication.  Some of my friends find this in their crackpot religions (read all of them here).   I wish I could, but unfortunately I can't take that massive leap of faith without feeling that I'm conning myself.

Heyho - I will post this anyway.  A bit of light and shade is essential in a life and so too a blog.

My plan for now - hub and boy are going to football.  I am going to have a run, maybe do a bit of gardening, and make a plan to give myself a boost out of the oridinary for the forthcoming week.

Will keep myself posted :)
and give myself a kick up the arse.



Friday 23 March 2012

Women of the World Unite

I went to my son's friend's house yesterday so the boys could have a playdate.  His friend's mum taught me how to make little chinese dumplings and we chatted whilst cooking and taking turns to entertain her baby daughter. Had such a nice time.

We talked together about the different approach to raising children in the UK and China and shared our common desire to give our kids a different kind of upbringing to the one we'd experienced. I learned quite a bit in the few hours we spent together.  I was in awe of her ability to communicate complex ideas without a perfect grasp of English and yet such a desire to be understood. Puts my efforts to flail around in pigeon French on holiday to total shame.

I sensed a frustration that is familiar amongst my western compadres in having to reduce or give up totally your commitment to paid, meaningful work when you become a mother.   Some of my friends do manage to successfully combine high flying careers with motherhood, just about.  But what I sensed from my new friend was an awareness of this frustration vying with a sense that she should be grateful for what she does have.  The two feelings in conflict, not quite resolving.

It's something that I forget myself.  To be grateful for what I have. What I have is in fact immense in contrast to the lack that so many suffer and I was reminded yesterday, how fortunate we are to have been born where we were, by mere fluke.  Also how similar we all are, women of  the world,  as mothers, sisters, wives, people, contributors to society, friends.......

Came home and watched John Bishop on the tv nearly kill himself to raise 1.6m quid to help people on the other side of the globe.

Yesterday was somehow quite intense!

Thursday 8 March 2012

Blessings, Gratitude and Love

This week I heard that a friend had passed away at the weekend.  Almost exactly 2 years since she failed to turn up to work, having blanked out while driving in.  She was taken to hospital where it was discovered she had an advanced cancer of the lungs and a secondary brain tumour.   The night before she had left for home as usual,  joking about her plans for the evening, seemingly without a care.

She was 50.

It's fair to say it has hit me.

She was a work colleague who I encountered when starting back to my first new job after becoming a mum.  Being a nervous returner, I was in a role that punched well below my weight.  Yet she saw potential in me and was friendly and encouraging.  It would be true to say that I hold the enjoyable job I have now in large part thanks to her.  She was generous in her willingness to share knowledge, intelligent,  humorous, warm and approachable.   She  liked the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"; had a passionate interest in astral photography and loved gardening.  

Because I inherited her working notebooks, I have found myself happening upon little gems of wisdom in her large, loopy handwriting.  I pulled a database report today and found her name at the top of the list, 2 years after she went off sick. She is still present in the mundaneness of the everyday despite her passing.

Perhaps not surprisingly, this has imbued me with a renewed imperative to seize the day, enjoy life, try everything I want to try, now, not later. To love my loved ones with the passionate urgency that I feel, to show them and tell them, to be a bit less English about it all.....

It has also however, made me wonder how people will remember me when I die.  I didn't know this lady especially well, but I still remember her with great affection and a certainty that the world was a better place because she was in it. I hope I can bear that legacy for others when I finally pop my clogs.

It's funny how a piece of music sometimes entwines itself into your particular mood and remains inextricably linked.

When I first heard that she was ill, this came on my ipod shortly after.  It's somewhat mystical and a bit odd, but it still seems a fit.

"The Hymn to Her" by The Pretenders is my memorial to my friend.

Goodbye my dear wherever you are now. Blessings, gratitude and love. x